How *Not* to Shop for Peony Stands
It was a simple request that I made in the garden department.
“Do you sell Peony stands?”
The teenaged employee’s eyes widened. An impressive shade of scarlet hijacked his cheeks.
“Um, what?”
“Peony stands. You know…to hold them up so they won’t droop when it rains?”
“Uh…Idunno. Haven’t seen those.” Snort. Cough.
“Well, could you ask someone?”
“Ummm…ok.”
He disappeared. An unshakable sensation that I’d stumbled into a campy rerun of Three’s Company possessed me.
Minutes later, the boy returned with the manager.
“We’re not that kind of store, ma’am. No panty stands. You’d best try Victoria’s Secret in the mall.”
Bases on a writing prompt from
“Write a 100-word vigniette of active verb goodness.”
WTF? Teenagers are so stupid. I’m just at a loss for words.
m.
Mark, I was so embarrassed at the time that I didn’t consider the stupidity issue.
I prefer the “high IQ” Wisconsin-trained staff at Menard’s to the orange clad HD “helpers”. If you want your groom’s peony to stand, a trip to either Victoria’s Secret or an on-line Canadian pharmacy should do the trick:)
Curt – Laughing. Out. Loud.
Also? I think it’s curious that this post has only attracted male commenters thus far. Heh. I said “post.”
Snort. Love it so much.
A comment from a woman! Hallelujah! I was feeling sort of dirty for a while there… xo
NO!!!! PANTY STAND!!!! Hahahahahahahahaha!!!!
I die. Seriously.
Only in America, Alison.
RaRa was right – good to get the three of you out of NJ b4 your ability to speak with clarity was forever affected. In your case, it appears we were a year or two late.
I blame the whole scene on the *listener,* Dad, not the *speaker* in this scenario. Just sayin’. In a New Jersey twang, of course.
/Huge grins. Thanks, Sue. As always, a masterful retelling…
Thanks, Suzanne. The 100 word limit was a fun challenge!
Shut. Up. You should totally send this to Home Depot.
Leigh Ann…I keep hashtagging Home Depot when I tweet this post. I fear that they’re ignoring me. *insert pouty mouth*
Ha! Nice. Poor kid. Well done!
Poor kid. Poor me. Poor Peonies’ name taken in vain.
::snort, giggle:: Next time just ask for a tomato cage?
And if I did that? The young gent would most likely make untoward assumptions about the kind of “cage” I was seeking…
Ha!! That’s too funny. Great job with the prompt.
Thanks, Stacey. That prompt was ripe with possibility, no?
OMG this is fabulous!! Best submission to the challenge so far (and I’ve read them all). Just too perfect to be true but who cares! Would love to have you link up with my writing workshop hop. You’d be an excellent addition! Very well written. http://www.awriterweavesatale.com/2012/06/15/sandras-writing-workshop-hop-2/
Thank you, Sandra! Will stop by and check it out.
ps – True story.
That’s hysterical. I cannot believe that happened and that the manger seemed to believe the teenage employer. Sheesh.
Great use of the active voice throughout!
Barbara…nothing shocks me anymore. NOTHING.
So funny! Great story!
I giggled the whole way through the retelling…fun piece to write, Tessa.
I just burst out into a laugh. How perfect. How teenagery. How guy like!
Gina. Yes, yes…and yes.
That is too funny!!! Great job with painting the scene in so few words.
Thank you! Quite a challenge…really makes you pare down t to what’s essential to the story.
As I was reading this, I was saying to myself, “PLEASE let this be memoir!” Hilarious, and terrifying all at the same time.
Well told.
Thanks, Jennifer. A “memoir” for sure. Never to be forgotten.
Oh for Heavens sake! I can’t tell if this is fiction or NF–hoping the former, but afraid it’s the latter! LOL
Nonfiction. For reals. It’s laugh or cry, right?
I knew it would have something to do with vaginas!…ok, panties…same diff…
You get all the luck! First the guy giving you the pedicure, now this pimply teenager! I need to go where you live. My posts are all deep and thinky lately because nobody is mentioning vagina in my immediate vicinity.
I know, right? I attract ALL the desirables, Sandra.
I was giggling through the whole thing.
I am now picturing panties on stands in yards across the nation, trying so hard not to droop in the rain.
Then my work is done here. *brushes hands together*
Oh my god, no! He never… Dying.
Mmmm hmmmm. The manager, too, Cameron.
Ha! I’m dying…only consolation is that hopefully he felt incredibly stupid too!
Just awkward from any angle, Meredith. Awk. Ward.
Great kicker. So funny. I forgot which flower you asked about but thought you must have asked for pansies, which could be confused with panties, but when I scrolled back up to double check – nope – Peony.
Must be my leftover Jersey twang: “peeeee—aaaaaaaaannnn-iiieees.”
I agree that teenagers are dumb and I find most home depot employees to be as well, but really, what the heck did the two of them imagine a panty stand was? What did they think you would do with one?
You know…to hold them up so they won’t droop when it rains.
*snort*
I weep for the future of America.
so embarrassed.
I’ve been using these things as tomato plant holders.
Upside down.
GodIcouldjustdie
Oh, wow, A. Talk about awkward.
You’ll live through it. Promise. xo
HERE’S YOUR HOME DEPOT POST! Haaaaaaaaaa!!! This made me laugh out loud so much that I started coughing. That is HILARIOUS.
(Thanks for linking this up over at #findingthefunny last week!)
Even better when it’s a true story, right?
Huh? You did say “pouty mouth” way up above or was it “potty mouth”?
Dad’s comment was the best and now we know what you do when you’re not doing this – Jersy Shore fer sure! I know you just couldn’t let your roots go.
Oh and Thank God I’ve finally made it to JUNE and no, inspite of what YOUR website thinks – I do not have a website!
LMAO!!! Panty stand! Thanks for the laugh!
My pleasure. And the Home Depot guy’s as well.
Oy. This had me giggling. Too funny!!
Victoria’s Secret. GEEEEEZZZZZ.