I remember it as if it were yesterday. It was an unseasonably warm night in October of 2001.
Truth be told, it was technically morning. But back then, the days and nights melded together in a murky haze.
I had just put an infant Twin A back in her crib after a feeding and diaper change. I was now sitting upright in bed, repeating the procedure with Twin B, giving him a bottle and willing myself to stay awake despite my exhaustion. Supporting his head in the crook of my elbow, I reached with the other hand for the television remote and hit the power button. I channel surfed until a technicolor image assaulted my bleary eyes:
As painful as the image was, I couldn’t look away.
Kids sing today’s greatest pop hits! The tenor voice on the screen proclaimed. Livin’ la Vida Loca! Oops!…I did it Again! Steal my Sunshine! All in one fabulous collection, sung by kids, for kids!
My punchy, post-partum brain registered this as funny. I laughed like a loon, scaring the wits out of the now dozing infant in my arms. He began to wail.
You’ve got that right, kid. I thought morosely. I finished up Twin B’s feeding and diaper change. The commercial was still on even after he was back in his crib. I snapped the television off, disgusted.
Who on earth would pay for yesterday’s C-rate music re-hashed by a gaggle of pre-pubescent pop star wannabes?
A few months later, I had my answer.
More than 500,000 Americans, that’s who.
The CD had gone gold in no time flat.
And since then, friends? Kidz Bop has made a mockery of my mockery by cranking out more than forty five CDs in the subsequent ten years.
Just let that
regurgitate resonate with you all for a moment.
I snorted when they came out with Kidz Bop Sings Monster Ballads, which included selections from Motley Crue, Poison and Whitesnake. For, as much as I love me some screechy-guitared glam rock action, the absurdity of this genre of music is not lost on me.
But when they released this?
I stopped laughing. That was hitting just a wee bit too close to my musical home. Some things – namely, the music of legitimate artists – should remain inviolate. And I was growing increasingly alarmed that the ‘tween gang at Kidz Bob didn’t know the meaning of that four-syllable word.
But it didn’t stop there, friends.
The Kidz Boppers have waged their audio assault on musicians with their roots in indie music, folk, and rhythm & blues.
Coldplay. Norah Jones. Lenny Kravitz. Marvin Gaye and Crosby, Stills & Nash.
None of these has escaped the Kidz Bop juggernaut.
Forget the Mayan calendar, friends. It’s Kidz Bop upon which we must keep a vigilant watch.
They’re taking over the music world.
And, in so doing, they’re effectively taking over my world.
Since 2001, my dreams have been haunted by the shenanigans of these pipsqueaks. I can stay silent about it no longer.
Down with Kidz Bop.
To paraphrase the words of the fictitious Dr. Hannibal Lecter, don’t buy into the hype. And I’ll let you know when the Kidz stop screaming.
Inspired by a prompt from