Happy fall, friends! As I am feeling lazy nostalgic at the moment, please enjoy a post I wrote nearly two years ago to the day. And then tell me in a comment: How do you do October Exterior Home Decor?
I am an epic failure.
Just ask my children. They’ll tell you, with heavy sighs all around and a far-off longing in their eyes.
Sit yourselves down and make yourselves comfortable, friends, and I’ll explain.
As the temperature dips outside and autumn leaves flutter to the ground, The Cherubs’ attentions naturally turn to Halloween, arguably the most exciting night in the life of a child aside from Christmas Eve.
So how do I fail?
In the October Exterior Home Decor Department.
You see, when my children reached elementary school age, they developed themselves a serious case of Keeping Up with the Joneses. They began to cast wistful glances across the street and comment upon how impressive our neighbor’s house looked in the weeks leading up to Halloween.
For The Joneses, October Exterior Home Decor is all about the scary.
The creepy.
The macabre.
The I’ll-Run-Into-That-Yard-If-I’m-Triple-Dog-Dared-And-Then-Get-The-Heck-Out-Of-Dodge-Before-I-Soil-Myself brand of October Exterior Home Decor.
They have lights that flash.
And things that scream.
And inanimate creatures so lifelike that you’re certain they’ll seize you and bare-handedly pull your rapidly beating heart right out of your chest if you linger too long on their property.
Yo. They gots their gruesome goin’ ON. They be rockin’ the horror thang. Big time.
As for me, I truly have no qualms with Halloween. It’s fun. Sure, I prefer not to glorify the origins of this day, but my beliefs do not prevent me from enjoying trick-or-treating, bobbing for apples, or dressing my poor aging dog in a strap-on felt witch’s hat.
And I have no qualms with The Joneses. As a matter of fact, I am fantastically fond of The Joneses. Our children play together. We parents have enjoyed many a happy hour together. We have a very amicable relationship, and I don’t think I could find better neighbors if I tried.
But when it comes to October Exterior Home Decor, I simply cannot keep up with these Joneses.
Fall-like?
Sure…I can do fall-like.
Festive?
Now we’re talking.
Autumnal?
I am the undisputed Queen of Autumnal.
But I just can’t do scary.
You know…like The Joneses do it.
S to the C to the A to the R to the Y…SCARY.
Believe me when I say: It’s not them. It’s me.
And each fall it becomes more and more abundantly clear how epically I fail in Scary 101.
The Joneses hang up this:
And I hang up this:
They drive this on a stake into their flower beds:
And I insert this into my flower beds:
“Mom.” Twin B sighed just the other day as he trudged up our festive driveway after shooting hoops with The Jones Boys in their spooky driveway. “You’re embarrassing us. Can’t you be a little scarier? You know, like-”
“Like The Joneses do it?” I finished for him wearily. “Let me think. Um…no.”
“Please.” my oldest son took my hand in his. “Try. One scary thing. Just get one scary thing for our yard, and I won’t ask for anything else. I promise.”
I looked at him, sized up the ‘tween angst on his face and folded like a cheap suit. “All right…I have to run some errands tomorrow morning while you’re at school…I’ll see what I can scare up. Ha, ha! Get it? Scare up?”
My stab at humor was ignored, but Twin B’s spirits were visibly lifted at the prospect of keeping up with The Joneses in some small way.
So while errand running the next day, I made a purchase at a nearby discount store, brought it home, and displayed it in front of the big Bartlett pear tree in our front yard.
And I stationed myself at the front window when The Cherubs were due to return home from school.
Right on time, the bus stopped, its door opened, and a handful of children burst forth from within, running full-tilt toward my house, Twin B in the lead.
As my son reached our front yard, he stopped short and stared, slack-jawed, at the newest addition to our October Exterior Home Decor:
No one uttered the words, but the expression on Twin B’s face as well as on the rest of the children’s faces said it all.
Failure. Of epic proportions.
And by the way, don’t even get me started on the topic of Halloween costumes.
That, my friends, is another post entirely.
*snort*
I actually like the EEK sign. Apt. Also, year-round appropriate.
The ‘penguin’ (is it a black stork? Or a penguin) – um…..um…… where is it today?
Crow. I’ve always gone with crow, Alison. But it’s up for debate.
I thought of this post over the weekend (really! I remembered it.) when I decorated outside. You’re kids will think I’m very lame.
Meh. Lame minds think alike, girlfriend.
I remember this post
Don’t worry. Your decor STILL kicks the crap out of mine. If I’m lucky, I ‘ll remember to hand a few smiling ghosts from our tree and put out the pumpkin mat. Maybe. It’s Florida— it just doesn’t FEEL like Fall yet. That’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it.
And I still love that crow.
Totally understandable. Also? How on earth do you do CHRISTMAS in Florida?
I think I saw this one when you first published it!!!
I like it.
I don’t decorate at all. Maybe this will be the year. I just like fall, though.
Fall? Rocks. Halloween? I can take or leave.
I remember reading this one. My daughter just claimed that “we need more scary halloween decorations”. I told her, “then the little ones might not come trick-or-treating at our door like you used to be scared to go to the ‘scary houses’”. I think I’ll stick with my pumpkins & smiling ghosts
I like your strategy, Liz.
I don’t really decorate for fall or Halloween… much to the distaste of my children.
Much easier that way, Jen.
I remember this post!!!
We do a few ghosts, a witch on the door, a lot of pumpkins, and 2 scarecrows.
Happy Fall!!
That’s my brand of Halloween, Jen.
This is my FAVORITE!!! It has kind of become a kick-off to Fall read for me – and Every time….I crack up at that final picture – makes me OH so happy! Eek….I gotta go pull out some Halloween decorations!
Laura – I thought of you as I re-posted. No lie. xo
When I read the title I thought you were doing a political post (about Pres. Obama)!!!!
Don’t worry; who cares about Halloween — a “holiday” based on pagen rituals during which virtually no toys are purchased. Save your failures for Christmas and Easter — holidays that matter.
Point well taken, my friend. xx
I love the “It’s fall, y’all”…lol. Love it! At least you’re already decorating. We haven’t even bought a pumpkin to speak of. So sad…:(
You have an EXCUSE, love. One with a heartbeat that poops. A lot.
We could be related except for the fact that I don’t even put fall-ish deco in my garden…oh wait, that’s becauseiI’m too lazy to have a garden. My kids have already planned their parenting to be complete opposite of mine. So to my future grandchildren who will have scary shit hung throughout the front yard, I say, You’re welcome.
Your oldest is probably old enough to do it himself now, right? He could drive himself out to Scaryland USA and pick up some morbid stuff if they want it that badly.
Now THAT – Our children driving – is a scary thought.
We are so like that too. Fuck fruity. That’s not what Halloween is about…just like Christmas is about gorging yourself on food and decorating your house with Santa because he’s obiviously the “mascot winner” for the holiday.
Mascot winner. Heh.
Ok, so I have this great idea of how you can make it up to him. Hire someone to dress up as a clown and have them stand like a statue in your yard. Then when he comes home from school the clown will reach out and grab him as he walks by. I guarantee he won’t bother you again about this scary nonsense.
Love it. Absolutely love it.