Do you ever look back over a day in your life…or a string of several days, for that matter…and think…
Did that really just happen to me?
It occurs with me daily, friends. But I feel especially compelled to tell you about the events of the past few weeks. And no, none of these events count as sucker punches. I’ve listed them for you in numerical order, should you care to replicate these events.
Ahem:
1) Grow yourself an impeccably formed palate, including ample room for wisdom teeth, by the time you are eighteen years old.
2) Snigger behind closed doors at all of your high school friends who are having their wisdom teeth yanked. Be totally gnarly (yes, that was a good thing to be in 1989) and deliver Jell-O, Hunt’s Pudding Snack Packs, and Lipton Cup a Soup to their doors. Because you are a licensed driver with a cherry red Ford Escort station wagon to prove it.
3) Over the next 25 years, give your intact wisdom teeth the brush-off, so to speak, when conducting your oral hygiene routine. Dude. They’re really far back there. And hard to reach. Not gnarly.
4) At age 42, get slapped with the news from your dentist that those wisdom teeth are decaying. (See: Not gnarly). And guess what? You must have them extracted.
5) Sob uncontrollably and say a Hail Mary for every high school friend at which you sniggered behind a closed door back in the day. To no avail. An appointment has been set for those decaying suckers to be pulled.
6) On the morning of your appointment, pull yourself together, put on your big girl panties, drink a nutrient-packed smoothie for fortification, and wait for your girlfriend to come and pick you up for your appointment.
7) Arrive at the oral surgeon’s office to be greeted by a receptionist who is a middle-aged dead ringer for Gilly from Saturday Night Live. Stifle your giggles and answer her questions, including what you ate that morning.
8) Get yourself drummed out of the office by Gilly as she snarkily looks up at you and says,
You? Had a smoothie? NoFoodOrDrinkDayOfSurgery.
9) Reschedule your appointment. Leave with your tail between your legs, vowing to never drink another smoothie as long as you live.
10) Two weeks later, show up again at the oral surgeon’s office. Tell Gilly that you haven’t eaten once since you left the office the last time.
11) Feel a degree of smug satisfaction, as well as more than a twinge of hunger-induced light-headedness, as you get strapped into the surgeon’s chair.
12) What seems like ten seconds later, wake up crying for no apparent reason and leave with your girlfriend, who is carrying your post-operative instructions and other paraphernalia for you. Let her drive you home and tuck you in on your couch in the family room. Marvel at the irony of her stocking your pantry with Jell-O, Hunt’s Pudding Snack Packs, and Lipton Cup a Soup. Fantasize about a long day of lounging on the couch while The Cherubs are in school.
13. What seems like ten seconds later, wake up crying for two VERY apparent reasons: 1) Your mouth is on fire and is approximately the size of an rhinoceros’ hind quarters, and 2) The Cherubs and three of their friends are running amok, singing karaoke at the top of their lungs, and playing Nerf Gun War. After all, you do live in Chiberia. And school has been canceled for the next two days on account of frigid temperatures.
Inspired by a prompt from Mama Kat.
I guess you’re glad that’s over with.
Yes. I guess so, Lisa. Now if I could just get my jaw to squeeze through a doorway, I’d be hunky-dory.
And because you are pure awesomeness…
14.Rock that ice pack, cook waffles with *butter, syrup, and sausage* for your sleep over guests, look amazing post-op, and catch up on your pins, blogs, FB, etc.
This is the year of GO GIRL.
OK…I’ll accept that #14 as a write-in. Thanks, girlfriend.
Oh! You poor thing! I hope that you feel better soon up there in Chiberia.
Much appreciated! Now if I can just get this chia seed out of my dry socket (say whaaaat?), things will be ok.
You make Thursdays so much more interesting. To this day I still show your lego cake post when I want to make someone (or myself) laugh until it hurts #truth (snot, tears and all)
But I still have 2 wisdom teeth (chilling in my gums) that my (at the time) whack arse health insurance wouldn’t pay to have removed. So basically you’re telling me in one year when I turn 42 that I’ll be writing this same post. *sigh*
Hope you feel better and just stick your head outside. That cool blast of air should knock the swelling down in no time! HAHAHA
Awww, girlfriend. Love that I’m good for snot & tear induction. And aren’t you the funny one with your climate-controlled swelling relief plan. I’ll be here, laughing my arse off, when YOU have those last two stragglers yanked. xo
Oh, wow. sort of terrible, but you wrote it really funny. I like the dork picture you picked to illustrate the “no smoothie before surgery.” cute.
Have you seen any of those Gilly episodes from SNL? This receptionist was JUST. LIKE. HER.
I had all 4 wisdom teeth out when I was in my 20′s, after mistakenly believing I had enough room for them. I’m so sorry!
Seriously, Ginny. It should just be mandated by law at age 18 for all. Sigh.
Eek! Dentists scare me. I actually never had my wisdom teeth removed and now I’m paranoid this might happen to me.
Your photo made me giggle.
I sincerely hope that this does NOT happen to you, Amber. *says three Hail Marys on A’s behalf*
Oh man, getting wisdom teeth out in high school is the way to go! Poor mama!
Seriously, Kat. I feel like SUCH a late bloomer, aside from everything else.
Is there any way you could go back and get a picture with Gilly? I mean the receptionist?
I was to traumatized to do so, Hill. But you’re right…I totally missed a photo op.
Oh no! I feel for you. And then two snow days on top of it! Did the kids take pity on you at least?
Actually, they did, Michelle. They were trash taker-outers and meal makers and ice pack fetchers and dog letter-outers. You know. In between all of the running amok.
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No mythic tale was ever written about the removal of wisdom teeth , and in terms of gaining “street cred,” this type of surgery ranks just below laser vision correction. Still, your dentist is saying you need these teeth out of your mouth, or else you’ll be in a boatload of pain.