I’ve been navigating Silicon Valley for a good two and a half weeks now. And after the first trip to the grocery store…when I was looked square in the eye by the cashier and asked if I wanted to purchase paper bags for my loot at a dime apiece…
…and I was all, “You’re kidding, right?”
…and he was all, “You’re not from around here, are you?”
…I realized that there are a several nuances about California living that one simply has to learn through experience.
Or, in your case, through…
Wait for it…
Navigating Silicon Valley
A Multiple Choice Quiz
1. If you wish to travel around Mountain View in an environmentally conscious manner, which is the best choice?
a) Carpool b) Skateboard
c) One of these beauties:
2. It’s your lunch break. You’re hungry as all get-out, but you know you should spend your hour bringing your car in for its state-mandated smog check, which should you do first?
a) Eat! For the love of peace, eat! b) Do the right thing. Bring the car in. It’s what the Terminator would have wanted.
c) You don’t have to choose! Just go to Papa John’s and do both!
3. If you wish to make a quick transition from work wear to evening wear, what is the most efficient way to do so?
a) Wear your work clothes out to the bar b) Change in the bathroom at the office
c) Change out in the open, en route to your rendezvous. No one will notice…unless you are careless with the evidence.
4. You’re standing at the locked door to the 500 Startups office. It looks like so. What do you do?
a) Use your key. Duh. b) Use the 500 Startups-issued Lockitron app to deftly zap the door open.
c) Fumble with your smartphone, which you have had all of one month and still can’t operate properly. After five minutes, manage to find the appropriate app. Point your phone at the door and hit “unlock” to avail. Repeat this step thirty-seven times. Then crouch next to the door and hug your knees. Rock yourself and weep quietly until someone exits, whacking you in the head with the door. Rise, blow your nose, and enter, clinging to the shard of dignity that wasn’t left on the other side of the door.
5. What do you call a man-made raised surface on a street designed to encourage traffic to maintain a safe rate of speed?
a) A waker-upper. b) A speed bump.
**Bonus Question** Which street in downtown Mountain View has the greatest number of speed humps?
a) California Avenue b) Mariposa Lane
c) Church street. Of course.
So…how did you do?
Have you lived in or visited The Golden State? What oddities have you discovered?