I’ve been navigating Silicon Valley for a good two and a half weeks now. And after the first trip to the grocery store…when I was looked square in the eye by the cashier and asked if I wanted to purchase paper bags for my loot at a dime apiece…
…and I was all, “You’re kidding, right?”
…and he was all, “You’re not from around here, are you?”
…I realized that there are a several nuances about California living that one simply has to learn through experience.
Or, in your case, through…
Wait for it…
Navigating Silicon Valley
A Multiple Choice Quiz
1. If you wish to travel around Mountain View in an environmentally conscious manner, which is the best choice?
a) Carpool
b) Skateboard
c) One of these beauties:
A few hundred feather boas, a dozen tubes of superglue, and a week under the influence of marijuana is all it takes to fashion one for yourself. {I asked}
2. It’s your lunch break. You’re hungry as all get-out, but you know you should spend your hour bringing your car in for its state-mandated smog check, which should you do first?
a) Eat! For the love of peace, eat!
b) Do the right thing. Bring the car in. It’s what the Terminator would have wanted.
c) You don’t have to choose! Just go to Papa John’s and do both!
I had a small pepperoni pizza and an order of breadsticks with a side of brake fluid.
3. If you wish to make a quick transition from work wear to evening wear, what is the most efficient way to do so?
a) Wear your work clothes out to the bar
b) Change in the bathroom at the office
c) Change out in the open, en route to your rendezvous. No one will notice…unless you are careless with the evidence.
And people thought that “Pants on the Ground” dude from American Idol was a flash in the pan. Pffffffft.
4. You’re standing at the locked door to the 500 Startups office. It looks like so. What do you do?
Note the key hole. This question is more complicated than it would appear.
a) Use your key. Duh.
b) Use the 500 Startups-issued Lockitron app to deftly zap the door open.
c) Fumble with your smartphone, which you have had all of one month and still can’t operate properly. After five minutes, manage to find the appropriate app. Point your phone at the door and hit “unlock” to avail. Repeat this step thirty-seven times. Then crouch next to the door and hug your knees. Rock yourself and weep quietly until someone exits, whacking you in the head with the door. Rise, blow your nose, and enter, clinging to the shard of dignity that wasn’t left on the other side of the door.
5. What do you call a man-made raised surface on a street designed to encourage traffic to maintain a safe rate of speed?
a) A waker-upper.
b) A speed bump.
c)
Does this make you blush and/or giggle uncontrollably? Tell me I’m not the only one.
**Bonus Question** Which street in downtown Mountain View has the greatest number of speed humps?
a) California Avenue
b) Mariposa Lane
c) Church street. Of course.
Pray hard…Play hard.
So…how did you do?
Have you lived in or visited The Golden State? What oddities have you discovered?
I don’t think I have ever seen speed hump signs before. And those bikes? They are something special.
The “his” & “hers” that rode away on them were equally compelling, Kim.
What I really need to know is how close you are to In-and-Out (burgers that is). It’s a must do.
Haven’t come across one in my travels on foot, Mindy. I need a car…or one of those sweeeeeet bikes.
Oh my gosh. Every time I visit California I am amazed at all the weird (weird to me anyway) stuff they have or do. I laugh at my cousin for it all the time!
And speed hump on Church St! hahahaha!
I am so not in Kansas anymore, Toto. Um, Kim.
Hahaha!! The smog check one is hilarious. In Oregon you have to go to the state-run centers. It’s not possible for any private business to do it. Speed Hump signs are all over Oregon too. Makes me laugh every single time.
It’s just gross, no? The smog check in a restaurant? Now I scope every eatery that I walk into for signage indicating that *this* might be one of *those* places. Ew.
Hilarious!!!! Love the Speed Hump sign as I have never seen those before! I lived in Los Angeles from ’97 – 2000 and I always thought it was odd that almost every eating establishment had a sign that read “We reserve the right to refuse service to anyone!” We just don’t have those in the Northeast!!
Yeah. We have the “no shoes, no shirt, no service” thing in Chicago, but “anyone?” That should put us all on edge.
The speed hump on Church St had me snorting! I guess I need to visit Cali and see some funny and strange stuff.
What was even awkwarder was the cars driving by, slowing down to watch me snapping pics of the speed hump sign. Nice.
I love everything about this post, but I think my favorite is those bikes. I think I want one to ride wine tasting!
How fun would that be? Or maybe start the tasting with a nekkid bike and add a bit of decor to it at every subsequent stop. The morning after would be like Christmas morning.
I know, dimes for a paper bag are an SF quirk. I love it and I also love how we no longer carry plastic bags. So when I go somewhere else and I get a plastic bag, I think, hello…violation!
All in the name of saving the environment, right? I’ve gotten used to it and have embraced the BYOBag policy. It *did* take getting burned a few times and dropping items all the way home because I had forgotten to take one along. No way, no how, will I pay for a bag.
I remember when I went to San Fran as a teenager…uh yeah. That was an eye-opener! LOL I think we need to make those bikes too after a couple pans of brownies! LOL
Sound like a plan. BlogHer 2013…Brownie Gals?
Hey Sue..Yeah, I lived there for years (about 10).. SanDiego area… and LOVE the bikes.(btw, there’s a “candy store” (pot shop) about every 10 blocks (at most) now..
never saw a “speed hump”.. but “pants on the ground” was common around the beach areas…
but alas, that was Dago. and you’re talkin’ “Silicone” Valley… LOL!
keep up with the Blogs.. I love ‘em
Hello, friend. I love how you always tell it like it is. I didn’t know you lived in Cali! Thanks for stopping by and leaving your two cents’ worth…don’t be a stranger!
How do you do it? How do you manage this schedule and write such hilarious content! I love your sense of humour, you’re keeping me going! Love you!
Oh, I appreciate the sentiment, girlfriend. I’m pretty much talking to no one out here outside of the office…so I’ve had a lot of interesting conversations with myself during the past few weeks. xo
haha. This is hilarious. My family used to live in the Bay Area and this brings back funny memories for me. Yes, Californians are an interesting breed for sure!
Interesting peeps everywhere, Christine…I’m sure that the locals here would say that Chicago is nuts.
…and I was all, “You’re kidding, right?”
…and he was all, “You’re not from around here, are you?”
LOooooVE that dialogue!
I’m sure he thought I was the world’s biggest fool at that point. Ah, well.
It was your Twitter handle which caught my attention @spincycleblog. Curiosity necessitated following the link to your blog. So glad I did. Thank you so much for the laugh! Today was a did-not-go-as-expected-in-a-not-fun-way kinda day which made the laughter all the sweeter.
Definitely looking forward to reading more. Happy writing!
(Uncertain if to welcome to Silicon Valley, or wish you pleasant adventures until you return to Chicago. Either way, totally enjoyed your post. Thanks again!)
Hi, Tana – First time visitor? Welcome! I’m glad that my temporary digs are good for a giggle. I’m most definitely out of my element lately, but I go home for good on Friday! *split jump* *spirit fingers*