Friends?
I have joined a gym.
With four girlfriends. A little place a couple of miles up the road. For an unbelievably low monthly fee, we get unlimited access to the facilities as well as the attention of a trainer who leads our group through hour-long workouts three times a week.
It’s quite the deal. I wonder how the place can stay in business with its fees as low as they are.
It may very well be because they utilize child labor. Our trainer, though knowledgeable and pleasant and funny as all get-out, can’t be more than nine.
Wait. That’s impossible. The Small One is nine.
So this guy must be seven.
Or maybe…just maybe…my perception is skewed because I am old.
I don’t often feel old, friends. Truly, I don’t. I sauntered into the place for my preliminary fitness evaluation feeling confident and very much on the same witty wavelength as the whippersnapper that stood before me.
I didn’t feel old when we chatted about my health habits.
Or when he took my measurements with a tape measure and assessed my BMI with a sobering zap of a button.
Or when he asked me to warm up by walking on a treadmill. Dude. I’m a runner.
Or even when we moved on to jumping jacks. Nope, not old at all. Although I did receive a subtle reminder from Mother Nature that I had birthed three children in four years and, in so doing, had forfeited my ability to execute any kind of jumping while keeping my dignity and other stuff intact.
We then started stretching. He began flinging his arms about.
“See? You see how I’m doing this? Swing your arms out back and forth horizontally…and then up and down vertically? You see how I did that? Horizontally? And vertically? You know…like horizontal? And vertical?”
I saw. And I was taken back to a mental image of my childhood in the mid-1970′s, when televisions had five channels controlled by a dial affixed to the front of the set.
And I opened my mouth. ”Yesss! I get it!” I swung my arms back and forth and up and down, just as he was doing. ”Like the Horiz Hold and Vert Hold knobs on the back of the old TVs!”
He gradually slowed the swinging of his arms and gave me a quizzical look. ”Wait…what?”
I moved my arms vigorously from side to side. ”You know! The Horizontal Hold knob for when the TV picture is messed up with a zig-zaggy, back-and-forthy pattern…” I ceased swinging and now flung them alternately overhead and back down to my sides. ”…And the Vertical Hold for when the picture keeps sliding upward and you just want it to come back down and stay still!”
He now stood motionless, head cocked to one side, clearly sizing up the degree of my fleeting sanity as well as the proximity of the nearest emergency exit.
I continued: ”Horizontal?” {back and forth arms}
“Vertical!” {up and down arms}
“Right,” he said soothingly. He might just as well have offered me a straightjacket, an AARP card, and a Geritol. “Yeah, I get it.”
He did not get it, friends. He had no earthly idea what I was talking about because he had been born a good fifteen years after the exodus of the Horiz Hold and Vert Hold knobs.
Heck…he had not known life in the days before remote controls.
And I felt the chasm of age between us widen to Grand Canyonic proportions.
“Yeah,” I affirmed softly. A change of topic was desperately needed.
And so I took desperate measures.
“I’m going to loosen up with a few more jumping jacks,” I heard myself squeak.
Inspired by a prompt from Mama Kat: “You know you’re getting old when…”
Ah yes, I also enjoy having conversations with the younger folk who haven’t a clue what I’m referencing!!! It’s so sad getting old – yet you make it hilarious!!
Always better to laugh rather than cry…right, Allie?
HA! This is hilarious! And I completely know what you’re talking about with the horizontal and vertical hold buttons. Not to give away my age or anything…
Dropping in from Mama Kat’s!
Thanks for stopping by, MJ! How on earth did we survive with FIVE CHANNELS? 2, 5, 7, 9 and 11!
LOL This is funny to hear you describe your fitness eval! I asked about the tv’s and NOW I understand what you’re talking about.
Heh. Sure you do. See you Friday. If I can stand by then.
Too funny! And true. I once told my kids that TV stations didn’t air 24/7 and I would know it was time for bed at Grandma’s house when the station signed off and the screen was a pattern of colored stripes. They couldn’t comprehend what I said!
YESSS! Ex-ACT-ly, Michelle!
too funny! but sadly I remember the horizontal and vertical hold buttons and the rabbit ear antenna’s too. kelley at the road goes ever ever on
Oh, yeah! The antennae! Did you put tin foil on them for better reception, Kelley?
Made me laugh.
I can relate. Despite being born in the 80s rather than the 70s I grew up with a tv with knobs – it was black and white and a tv with what appeared to be a remote built into the front of it. We also had a wire like antenna for reception. 
We got cable when I was probably around 8. 
A fake remote in front, Lisa? Interesting. Thanks for dropping by.
Haha! Too funny! So many things that are completely foreign to the younger generation! Think he ever watched black and white tv?
No way, Michelle. Absolutely. No. Way.
I was born in 1980 and remember having tv’s with knobs where you had to walk over to change the channel. We were so excited when TV remotes came into existence! I tell my son these things and he just looks at me strangely!
Remotes = Magical.
Well it’s time teach that young whippersnapper a thing or two about what it’s like to grow up in the old days! You know…the 80′s.
Cheers to working out! Someday I hope to get off my couch again…but not today.
Yes. Cheers to working out, Kat. Did I mention that there’s a swanky little bar riiiiight next door to the fitness club? Cheers, indeed. *clink*
Ha! This is great and he totally did NOT get it! I completely forgot about the horizontal and vertical hold on the back of the TV. Thanks for the walk down memory lane and the reminder that I, too, am old!
Laugh or cry, right, Mo?
Sue I feel old every day I pick up/drop off Mo for PreK. One of the parents always calls me Ms. Alisha…ugh! She’s in her 20s and I’m er uh…25! LOL
One of the PARENTS? Geeeeeez, Alisha. That’s harsh.
[...] I ingest enough good stuff at breakfast to propel me through my morning workout with energy to [...]
Dude, they would play Oh Canada at 10pm and the tv would turn to white noise…which scared the f*ck out of me…”They’re heeeerrrre”…
My kid told my dad that he was going to die soon.
So there’s that.
This ought to make you feel right at home then…
http://www.youtube.com/user/FuzzyMemoriesTV
Rich! How did you know about that organization? I’m intrigued for sure and wish to aid in their mission of preserving Chicago’s Classic TV Moments…FOREVER.
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