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So. Let’s get right down to it today, shall we?
God and I? We’re tight.
Stop looking at me like that, friends…If you had as much confessing to do as I? You’d be just as tight.
What’s more, over the course of the past few weeks, He has made His will for me abundantly clear.
He has sent me signs. And affirmations. And starry alignments that I can no longer call coincidences.
And do you know what He is telling me?
Of course you don’t. That’s why you’re here, no?
He wants me…
wait for it…
…to have an Iphone.
Yes. Of this I am certain. And by way of evidence, I offer…
The Top Five Signs from God that Tell Me I Need an Iphone
5. I’m getting callouses on my fingers from the keypad on my Blackberry. Aside: I’m also growing weary of pretending in mixed company that my Blackberry is an Iphone and pantomiming little touch-screen finger bluffs. Although I have become quite adept at it.
4. I can’t understand the cute little emoticon thingies that my friends send me in their texts. What looks like this on an Iphone?
Looks like this on a Blackberry.
I spent weeks under the impression that my contacts thought me to be a square before I caught a glimpse of an actual Iphone text and became hip to their lingo.
3. I cannot reply all when I receive a group text from my Girlfriends. The last time I tried to do so, saying, “Girlfriends! Pick me up on the way out to Sushi World tonight!” the message was received by only one Girlfriend, who was home sick. Unaware of this, I waited at the edge of my driveway for an hour that evening and was picked up by nobody. Unless you count the attempt made by the elderly gentleman out walking his Dachshund by moonlight. And I don’t.
2. My Blackberry case is broken.
How did it break, you ask?
Well, I’ll tell you. It popped open whilst I was riding in the back seat of a friend’s car. My well-meaning friend found in on the floor mat the next morning. No worries, texted the friend, adding a cute little emoticon thingy that looked like a square to me. I’ll have my groom drop it off for you on his way to work today, said the friend.
And drop it off, he did. In a snowbank next to my mailbox as he drove past my home at a 35 mile per hour clip whist running late for work.
I kid you not.
Anyway.
Trying to find a stylish replacement cover is about as easy as finding replacement parts for an IntelliVision gaming set. note: If you don’t know what IntelliVision is? You’re too young to be reading The Spin Cycle. They just don’t make ‘em any more, friends.
1. A week after my Blackberry case broke, I dropped my naked Blackberry in the toilet. I’d rather not divulge the details of exactly how this came to pass. But it did. And the blasted thing came back to life after a little slumber party in a Tupperware-clad bed of rice. And while I should have rejoiced at this small miracle? I wanted to drown the DingleBlackberry all over again.
So there you have it, friends. My birthday’s a mere three months away. As are the end of my patience and sanity. Pray for me, won’t you?
Amen.
Inspired by a prompt from Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop: ”Incorporate the phrase, ‘Stop looking at me like that,’ into your post.”
Now that is funny stuff. I can’t really relate to wanting an iPhone. Everyone I know has them and I just don’t see the charm. It may have something to do with the fact that I can’t, for the life of me, type with a touch screen. I am not looking forward to the day when an actual keyboard is not an option on a phone.
Missy, I really didn’t want one either until the whole group texting thing. Drives me up the wall. But I totally hear you on the touch screen issue. I’m actually a little frightened of the touch pad and all of the bumbling that my fat fingertips will inevitably do.
Siri solves lots of issues with fat fingertips. Trust me.
Hahahahahaaaaaa!
I think that the signs are definitely pointing toward a new phone for you. I recently got a new phone and it is life-changing! I could never go back to my old phone now. Keeping my fingers crossed for you!
I remember reading a post you wrote a little while back on the topic and feeling INSANELY jealous of you!
I lurve my iPhone so naturally I agree with God on this one. You should absolutely have an iPhone. That said, Blackberry phones are weird…my hubby “somehow” ran over his with a Jeep and it was fine, but dropped it into a sink full of water the following week and it died an ugly death.
They *are* weird, Stacey! Like they pick and choose their own mortality depending their mood or something. C-R-E-E-P-Y.
An iPhone is SURELY in your future!
I love being affirmed like that. Thank you.
Thus sayth the Lord…get thee to an Iphone
That’s what He’s a-sayin to me…fo SHO.
I’m almost certain the Pope mentioned this before…well…you know…
(smiley face)!
Indeed, Michelle. I have both God *and* the Pope…ex-pope…whatever…on my side.
I had a Blackberry for 4 years before I got my iPhone…you will LOVE it!!! I just hope you can wait until your birthday. Maybe you should “accidentally” drop it under your tire wheel and run it over
P.S. Just voted for you on Skinny Scoop.
xo
I like how you think, my friend. And thanks for the vote! xx
I don’t own a cell phone. At first it was because I didn’t want people to always be able to get a hold of me. (I want to squeeze the melons in peace thankyouverymuch. And by that I mean produce shopping…dirty minds…) Now I’m holding out to be the last person in North America without a cell phone. I’m hoping to star in my own Dateline episode. Wish me luck!
Heh. You said “squeeze the melons.”
No cell phone? At ALL? That’s cray-cray!
Such, big challenges in your life:)
I know, CWS. It’s difficult being me. First-world problems galore.
Oh Lord, send me those problems too. My Blackberry is an asshole. That was the worst decision in phones that I have ever made….all to save a few bucks. Damn.
Exactly. And now I’ll be humming that Janis Joplin tune all day:
“Ooooh, LORD…wontcha buy me…a Mercedes-Benz…”
As a recent graduator from a Blackberry to and iPhone all I can say is… YES! Get yourself an iPhone.
*high five*
Nothing has ever been more clear than God’s will for you to have an iPhone. If you do not act upon this, you will be in direct disobedience to the Lord. So please, I beg you, go buy an iPhone.
Dingleblackberry. Teeheee!!!
Thank you, Sister Hillary. {teehee}
I truly believe that God prefers Mac anyways!
It’s related to the whole Apple thing in Genesis, no?
Dude, drop it in the toilet again.
I need a new phone. My current Droid is just not cutting it because it doesn’t support a few camera apps I want to buy. So I’ve been encouraging the baby to play with it. I know, sneaky. Also, good Mom. Right?
Right.
Let’s give each other Iphones for our next birthdays. And yes. Mom of the freakin year.
Oh my gosh, you totally need an iPhone. Do they still make Blackberries? Sorry, I couldn’t resist. Whatever happened to make that phone fall in the toilet needs to happen again.