I need to get real with you all today.
Lately? I just haven’t been feeling it, friends. The blog, I mean.
Ever get that inclination yourselves? That you need to make a change?
Yeah. That’s right about where I am at the moment. Needing a change. I mean, blogging’s fine and all…but…
But…
…but I just can’t help but think that I’m cut out for more than this little chunk of the interwebs.
And I believe I’ve discovered the path that I’d like to follow. Actually, it’s not too far off from persuing a career in professional blogging.
I’m going to try my hand…
…at professional spamming.
I know what you’re thinking, friends.
You doubt that I’m up to the task, don’t you?
Well, I have news for all of you who doubt me: I’ve been studying up on spam lingo. My comment folders are full of spam samples. Dozens and dozens of spammy gems ripe for the picking, studying, dissection, and emulation.
I can do this.
And I can teach you how to do it, too.
Presenting:
1. A good generic greeting gets things going.
One might think it best to use the blog author’s name when addresssing a comment on their post. But one would be dead wrong if one were to think that, if one wishes to lead a truly spammy existence. Ditch the familiarity. Go vague or go home.
Sample Comment Salutations ~ Before Spammification:
“Hi, Sue!”
And After Spammification:
“This is a message to the administrator.”
Before:
“Suzy-Q! I’ve missed you and The Spin Cycle!”
After:
“Greetings and good day to the author of this weblog.”
2. Superlatives are the best. (Ever!)
Don’t be afraid of false flattery. There is no such thing to a spambot. Lay it on thick. And when you think it can’t get any thicker? Apply another coat for good measure:
Before: ”I really enjoyed this post. You taught me a lot about Google+ and Pinterest. Thanks for the informative read!”
After: ”Wow, this was very most certainly the absolutely best weblog that I have seen in this area, possibly for future forever. You are most surely clearly the highest in this expertise. Have you considered thoughts of running for president of the web? You’ve got all of my very finest votes! And I will additionally speak all of my most influencers to do the vote as extra.”
3. Speak in Tongues.
Sometimes, the English language (or any intelligible language, for that matter,) just doesn’t cut it. That’s when you just go with your gut, say a prayer, and strike whatever keys command your attention.
Before: ”I just have to tell you that you made me laugh and cry in the same post. That’s no small feat. Still wiping tears from my eyes!”
After: ”ossKJlfknfjkl8nnfjkxkcxnjdfk;cxzv;lkzxl;vkz;lh;ofu89afygihvckjkjhUO**U*&hlknkjnkjbjk jhdksbfalkdsfj;asdjfhlkashdl;ashjdfkjashvkljshdlksjdhfkladsjhfklasdhfkajsdbflkadsjfbakjsdfhla/sdvjnzc xiuyeasf;ljasd;vu7awpoerygaihksvcmnxzjpoLSjj8sdkfhsdkljfbFJBAeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.”
4. Sex sells.
If your screen name is anything shy of X-rated, you may want to rethink your moniker. I understand that this might make the average mom/family/lifestyle blogger a bit squeamish, but believe you me…you’ll get results. Just look at what a big difference a small name change makes:
Before: Happy Thrifty Mama
After: Cheap Cialis Online Specials
Before: Catherine Does Motherhood
After: Britney is Naked
Before: My Embroidered Abode
After: Oral Wonderland
You see? See how easy spam can be? If you have any anything to add to my four-step program, I’d love to hear about it in the comments.
Based on a prompt from Mama Kat. (What? I say it’s a combo of prompt #2 and #4).
HA! SPAM comments always crack me up. They are so lame.
Wait…They ARE? *doubt settles in regarding new career*
SPAM comments are fascinating to me. #3 is especially entertaining.
They MUST be speaking in tongues when they do that. Right?
This is hilarious! And scary. I thought you had to have tourettes to be a spammer? Good Luck in your new profession!
Dude. I’m impressed that you know how to spell “tourettes.”
I’ve never read a spam message… just DELETE! Funny post!
Really…never? I’ve (obviously) become slightly obsessed with spam.
Ugh! I hate spam!! But I bet it would be kind of fun to be on the other side of it
I know, right? I really think I’ve got a gift for it, Hillary.
This made me giggle. Spam sucks… both the kind that comes in a can and the trash that ends up in my In Box.
Funny thing about the canned Spam, Tonya. My groom? Is a big fan of it. HUGE. *retch*
Yo–hit me up with spam. I think I’ve been spammed ten times. Ever. #NotCoolEnough
No, babe. You’re TOO COOL for spam. Obviously.
Hello Suzy-Q!! I’ve missed you this week
Giggle giggle
Hardy Har.
I found this post on this web log most informative. Thank you for posting.
There, how was that?
Hello. Your comments mean much to this admin. I highly value your words.
The Russian porn industry spams me often. That’s what you get when you talk about boobies in your blog, I guess. This week I got this: You actually make it appear really easy together with your presentation however I in finding this matter to be actually one thing that I believe I’d never understand.
That makes TWO of us who don’t understand….
Ummm…three…
So true. So true. Lately, I feel like Blogger has just opened the gates and let in about 800 of these a day. Some of them make me laugh though. That extra coat is always the kicker. “I loved your post. Please buy cigarettes before I am overwhelmed by all the great information you informed me of on this blog.”
Now THAT is funny, Paige. Hey…congrats on the book! xx
I’ve lurked here before
This time I had to comment because I read the tag line in your header. It might be the most excellent weblog header on the whole of the entire interwebz. Ever.
Your comment was most fulfilling in which it reveals knowledge lately and heretofore the sex.
I HAD to come back and share my latest spam – I think he might be a student of yours!
“FakE OaklEy SunglaSSES…
I am fond of your article.Your article is like a big tree, so that we can be seated in your tree, feel yourself a real. I feel very moved, very blessedness….”
SO jelly. Nobody’s every called me a big tree before. *sniff*
Have a blessedness day. xo
This is hilarious! I love your ‘spin’ on the spam cycle.
I’ve been having little conversations with Shakespeare, the Spam-Chimp, over on my blog, but I think you could teach him a thing or two.
Thanks for the laugh
Kylie
I love that you’ve given your Spam chimp a name.
Healing’s Dragon…
to search out troubles to boost my web site!I suppose its okay to produce usage of a few of the concepts!!…
There is more than enough to occupy you in Paris for at least the time you have and it's a good time of year to be there.
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