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Archive for May 2013

My Under the Tuscan Sunroom

By Sue · Comments (28) · May 30th, 2013

Wanna come over?

Well. You have no choice. You’re going to hang with me in my favorite spot in the house for a little while…my Under the Tuscan Sunroom.

But I’m putting the proverbial cart before the horse. Let me back up a few steps by way of introduction.

*clears throat*

As you may or may not recall, My groom and I spent two weeks in Tuscany with dear friends a couple of years ago.

We ate and drank like kings and queens ~~and gluttons, oh my.~~

We took in breathtaking countryside scenery and strolled quaint cobblestone streets.

And when we returned? I wanted a way to commemorate the exquisiteness of those two weeks.

Not a photo album…

Or a set of postcards…

Certainly not a Hard Rock Cafe – Tuscany T-Shirt

Hmmm.

I paced around my home, mental wheels turning…

…until I happened upon the nondescript room just off the kitchen known as The Playroom.

Which was a complete joke. Because in a house with three Cherubs, isn’t every room the flippin’ playroom?

It had army green walls, tattered oatmeal colored carpeting, and it reeked of neglect and lack of purpose.

Then and there, I decided that The Cherubs’ Playroom would be relocated to the basement…and my groom and I set about transforming the space into a sunroom.

An Under the Tuscan Sunroom, if you will.

Solid walls were replaced with through-the-looking-glass views of our gardens.

Three coats of just the right yellow perked things up.

Stacks of Magic Tree House books and scads of Legos were given new homes in the basement

And tranquil details took their places.

It’s a tiny space, really. Not much room for anything beyond a throwback velvet chaise and a couple of accent chairs.

And that’s just fine by me.

But, far and away, the highlight of this room…

What makes me linger and reminisce every time I pass by the open doorway…

Is the collection of photographs shot from my tourist’s vantage point

That now adorns the cheery yellow walls

Of our Under the Tuscan Sunroom.

Do you have a favorite room in your house? Tell me about it!

Inspired by a prompt from Mama Kat’s Writing Workshop

Comments (28)

A Birthing Story. With Bullets.

By Sue · Comments (30) · May 23rd, 2013

Who doesn’t love a good birthing story?

No need to answer that, friends. All birthing stories are, by nature, about as fascinating as a lump of vanilla pudding. And quite a good deal grosser.

So, naturally, I’m going to subject you to one of mine. But here’s the bright side: I’ll deliver {har! deliver!} it to you in six bullet points.

Awesome, yes?

Don’t answer that either.

Now then. Let’s push on.

{that’s the last bad pun…promise.}

{my fingers are crossed}

-The news that I was carrying twins twelve years ago was a complete and utter shock. I cried my eyes out for two days before coming to terms with the fact that my first born would be first borns.

-Equally shocking was the fact that I carried those babes a whopping 38.5 weeks with no signs of impending labor. Whatsoever. Unless you count cankles the size of Sequoia trunks.

-My ob/gyn had mercy upon my swollen self and scheduled an induction. Pitocin, the drug du jour, was sent coursing through my veins, and I steeled myself in anticipation of a violently speedy delivery.

-Pitocin does not always induce a violently speedy delivery. Some women wait 24 hours hooked up to needles before labor is jump started. One of those women is yours truly.

-That was exactly 12 years ago today. It also happened to be my 30th birthday.

-May 23, our collective birthday, falls under the astrological sign of Gemini…the twins.

And now, if you’ll excuse me…I’ve got some serious celebrating to do.

Inspired by a prompt from Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop.

Comments (30)

The Origami Master’s Revenge

By Sue · Comments (25) · May 16th, 2013

My real life friends have heard the condensed version of The Origami Master’s Revenge already. Indulge me, please, while I elaborate for my ~~make-believe~~ Internet friends.

Have I mentioned The Small One’s obsession with origami?

The child has true gift crafting any shape imaginable out of a teenytiny piece of paper. It keeps his avid brain and sticky hands occupied and out of trouble. For the most part.

Except for when he engages in this ancient art at school, in the back of the classroom, when he should be practicing his spelling words or his multiplication tables. I have a file folder full of friendly reminders from his third-grade teacher:

“The Small One was caught folding again during reading class this morning. Please speak to him about his choices.”

In a world full of classroom hitters, back-talkers, and pants-pee-ers, leave it to my child to get himself written up for folding.

It could be worse, right?

He has three huge shoeboxes full of his creations which he keeps under his bed. I ~~throw them out by the handful when he isn’t looking~~ marvel with him at his handiwork each and every time he comes up with something new.

His favorite masterpieces?

Hands-down, his Origami Yoda collection.

May the force be with your paper. Or something like that.

He has been credited with creating the World’s Smallest Origami Yoda, featured here upon a dime. Surely this will pay a portion of his college tuition, yes?

Last Tuesday, he proclaimed that he would be taking one of his Yodas to school to show his friends. ”At recess, Mom,” he assured me as he lovingly tucked Yoda into his shorts pocket.

I eased his backpack onto his shoulders. ”I sure hope so,” I chided. ”I don’t want to hear that you’ve been folding when you should be reading.” It took everything I had not to smirk as I heard the words coming out of my own mouth. I swatted his behind and shooed him out the door. I watched through the window as he loped down the driveway with one hand deep inside the pocket that held Origami Yoda.

Seven and a half hours later, I caught sight of him as I passed by the front window with a precariously stacked armload of laundry. His hands were outstretched before him, cupping something.

As he drew nearer and I saw what he was holding, I dropped the laundry {dammit!} and flung open the door.

“Hon?” I asked. ”What happened?”

He gazed at the pile of shredded paper in his hands for a moment longer before speaking. ”C’s friend ripped Yoda up on the bus on the way home.”

“Oooooohhhh,” I breathed. ”I am so sorry. Are you ok?”

He surprised me by meeting my concerned gaze with the sly grin that I have come to alternately love and dread.

“Meh. It’s ok. I’m going to make a whole army of Chuck Norris origamis and chuck them all at him on the bus tomorrow.”

And he did.

That’s my boy.

Inspired by a prompt from Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop: ”Tell about something your child said or did that surprised you.”

Comments (25)

Love Amongst the Fleas

By Sue · Comments (30) · May 9th, 2013

“I need some more glass. I’m heading to the flea market tomorrow with the kiddos. Want to come?” The voice at the other end of the line was somewhat distorted.

“What?” I stopped chomping on my Tootsie Roll Pop {three bites!} and shifted the receiver to my other ear. I won’t embarrass myself by telling you what I thought she had said. ”You’re going where?”

“To the flea market.” Mindy repeated patiently. ”My glass projects?”

“Ooooooh.” I glanced out the front window at my flower beds, and comprehension washed over me.

Mindy is truly an artiste at heart. Do yourself a favor, click the image, and check her out at Styled Living.

“I’m in,” I confirmed without any further hesitation. ”So are The Cherubs. Groom’s golfing. What do I bring?”

“Cash…and the Groom’s pickup truck.”

I drew my breath in sharply, coughing up tiny red gems of lollipip on the exhale. If it necessitated backing the ~~redneckmobile~~ F150, with all two inches of wiggle room on either side, out of our garage? This flea market thing was, indeed, something special.

The Cherubs disagreed wholeheartedly and whinged approximately thirty-eight of the forty minutes that it took us to drive to the market the next morning. This included 10 minutes of gingerly maneuvering the behemoth thing out of its resting place.

Which I did without putting a single ding in its precious exterior. ThankYouVeryMuch.

Anyway.

The whinging ceased as quickly as it had started, once we arrived and The Cherubs had a little look-see around the premises.

There were collectibles.

And strange artifacts from centuries past.

And seemingly ordinary objects…

That, when opened…

…Were nothing short of beautiful.

But I wanted to come home with a treasure, too. So my hunt began in earnest.

What was I looking for?

I didn’t exactly know.

But I was reasonably certain that this was not it.

There was potential everywhere…

Treasures every which way I turned…

Sadly, I was often beaten to the best finds by the more savvy market-goers.

But just when I had given up hope…

And was about to call it a day…

I saw it.

You know…it.

I will go to my grave vowing that it spoke to me. “Take me with you,” It whispered seductively.

So I did.

And that? Is how I found love amongst the fleas.

Inspired by a prompt from Mama Kat’s Writers’ Workshop: What are you crushing on?

Comments (30)

So You Wanna be a Spammer: A 4-Step Program

By Sue · Comments (31) · May 2nd, 2013

I need to get real with you all today.

Lately? I just haven’t been feeling it, friends. The blog, I mean.

Ever get that inclination yourselves? That you need to make a change?

Yeah. That’s right about where I am at the moment. Needing a change. I mean, blogging’s fine and all…but…

But…

…but I just can’t help but think that I’m cut out for more than this little chunk of the interwebs.

And I believe I’ve discovered the path that I’d like to follow. Actually, it’s not too far off from persuing a career in professional blogging.

I’m going to try my hand…

…at professional spamming.

I know what you’re thinking, friends.

You doubt that I’m up to the task, don’t you?

Well, I have news for all of you who doubt me: I’ve been studying up on spam lingo. My comment folders are full of spam samples. Dozens and dozens of spammy gems ripe for the picking, studying, dissection, and emulation.

I can do this.

And I can teach you how to do it, too.

Presenting:

1. A good generic greeting gets things going.

One might think it best to use the blog author’s name when addresssing a comment on their post. But one would be dead wrong if one were to think that, if one wishes to lead a truly spammy existence. Ditch the familiarity. Go vague or go home.

Sample Comment Salutations ~ Before Spammification:

“Hi, Sue!”

And After Spammification:

“This is a message to the administrator.”

Before:

“Suzy-Q! I’ve missed you and The Spin Cycle!”

After:

“Greetings and good day to the author of this weblog.”

2. Superlatives are the best. (Ever!)

Don’t be afraid of false flattery. There is no such thing to a spambot. Lay it on thick. And when you think it can’t get any thicker? Apply another coat for good measure:

Before: ”I really enjoyed this post. You taught me a lot about Google+ and Pinterest. Thanks for the informative read!”

After: ”Wow, this was very most certainly the absolutely best weblog that I have seen in this area, possibly for future forever. You are most surely clearly the highest in this expertise. Have you considered thoughts of running for president of the web? You’ve got all of my very finest votes! And I will additionally speak all of my most influencers to do the vote as extra.”

3. Speak in Tongues.

Sometimes, the English language (or any intelligible language, for that matter,) just doesn’t cut it. That’s when you just go with your gut, say a prayer, and strike whatever keys command your attention.

Before: ”I just have to tell you that you made me laugh and cry in the same post. That’s no small feat. Still wiping tears from my eyes!”

After: ”ossKJlfknfjkl8nnfjkxkcxnjdfk;cxzv;lkzxl;vkz;lh;ofu89afygihvckjkjhUO**U*&hlknkjnkjbjk jhdksbfalkdsfj;asdjfhlkashdl;ashjdfkjashvkljshdlksjdhfkladsjhfklasdhfkajsdbflkadsjfbakjsdfhla/sdvjnzc xiuyeasf;ljasd;vu7awpoerygaihksvcmnxzjpoLSjj8sdkfhsdkljfbFJBAeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.”

4. Sex sells.

If your screen name is anything shy of X-rated, you may want to rethink your moniker. I understand that this might make the average mom/family/lifestyle blogger a bit squeamish, but believe you me…you’ll get results. Just look at what a big difference a small name change makes:

Before: Happy Thrifty Mama

After: Cheap Cialis Online Specials

Before: Catherine Does Motherhood

After: Britney is Naked

Before: My Embroidered Abode

After: Oral Wonderland

You see? See how easy spam can be? If you have any anything to add to my four-step program, I’d love to hear about it in the comments.

Based on a prompt from Mama Kat. (What? I say it’s a combo of prompt #2 and #4).

Comments (31)