My Kingdom for a Glass of Milk

By Sue · 40 Folders and Gabbers · August 23rd, 2012

First: A bit of business…

The winner of the Mommy Mixology Giveaway is:

Missy | The Literal Mom: literalmom@——–

Congratulations! I’ve emailed you to obtain shipping address information. I hope you enjoy this book as much as I have!

And now…Back to our regularly scheduled post:

*************************************************************************************************************************

When I reflect upon my childhood…growing up as the oldest of three children in central New Jersey in the 1970′s…I more or less remember it with rose-colored fondness. Both of my parents worked to provide our family with what we needed. Our days were spent in the care of a lovely elderly neighbor lady named Eve who doted on us. Between the efforts of my parents and Eve, my younger brothers and I were loved, nurtured, and cared for as all children deserve to be.

We went out for ice cream at Carvel’s on the corner when we were good.

We took annual vacations to Daytona Beach to visit RaRa, my maternal grandmother.

Heck, I even had Gloria Vanderbilt jeans. Because EVERYONE who was ANYONE had a designer swan stitched on their right cheek back in the day.

We also summered in The Hamptons and attended world premiers of most child-friendly movies in Los Angeles.

I kid. We spent the occasional weekend on the Jersey Shore and waited all year for The Sound of Music to be aired on television, commercials and all.

But I digress. What I mean to say is that we were like most middle class families during that era…with one major exception.

My brothers and I were given no milk.

Ever.

Oh, don’t you fret…we got our vitamins A and D, our calcium and all the rest…

…by ingesting powdered milk.

Shut up.

It was one of the ways my parents chose to save money in those days.

And oh, how I hated it.

It smelled like poop, friends.

And it tasted not quite as good as it smelled.

It was truly the only way I can think of that I was deprived. And I spent a great deal of my idle time devising plans on how I could get my hands on actual cow’s milk.

Because when you are raised on a steady diet of powdered milk? And when you have the occasional opportunity to sample the real deal, say, at a friend’s house?

Cow’s milk tastes like cream.

Better than cream. Like a milkshake, friends. ~~Laced with ecstasy.~~

I craved it. Begged for it. Refused to drink the powdery stuff.

And the harder I clamored for it?

The more my parents dug in their heels. To hear them tell the tale, they were going to put my brothers and me through college and possibly adopt three more children in our absence with the money that they were saving on each purchase of powdered milk.

On occasion, a friend would call and invite me to sleep over, and our conversations sounded something like:

“Hey, Sue, can you sleep over on Friday?”

“Ummm…I think so…I have to ask my mom. What’s for breakfast?”

“Huh?”

“On Saturday morning, I mean. Will we have cereal?”

“Uh…probably.”

“With milk?”

“Duh. Yeah.”

“Oh, that’s great. Really, really great. Yeah. I’m pretty sure I can. Hey…I could probably stay until lunchtime on Saturday if you want me to. We could, you know…have sandwiches…and some more milk.”

And so it went.

My Cherubs know all about this part of my upbringing. And I receive no sympathy from them. They think it’s cool. Sort of astronaut-ish, if you will.

Until I offer to let them try it.

Then they pipe the heck down and guzzle their milk like obedient little souls.

Inspired by a prompt from Mama Kat’s Writers’ Workshop: ”What do your kids have that you always wanted when you were a kid?”

40 Folders and Gabbers

Mommy Mixology – Review and Giveaway

By Sue · 22 Folders and Gabbers · August 16th, 2012

Do you remember when you were expecting your first child?

Of course you do. We all do.

For me, it was twelve years ago. Practically an eternity when I look back upon it now. I was carrying The Twins and was one big old bloated hot mess.

Minus the hot. Emphasis on the mess.

I wanted to do everything just right for my unborn Cherubs. So I read anything that I could get my hands on pertaining to their health and well-being. My “Bible,” as it were?

What to Expect when You’re Expecting. ~~Roll your eyes~~ Raise your hand if you’ve read that one a thousand times over.

And after the birth of The Twins, I sated my desire for motherly perfection with What to Expect the First Year.

And then What to Expect the Second Year.

And then…wait for it…

What to Expect the Toddler Years.

And while all of the books in this cleverly named series were informative, I always read them with a sneaking suspicion that they were actually written by men. Or cyborgs. Or perhaps male cyborgs.

Where was the hilarity? The grodiness? The chaos? The sometimes-mama-just-needs-a-stinkin’-cocktail?

In sum…where was this back in the day?

This book? Has everything the What to Expect books do not.

The hilarity. The grodiness. The chaos.

And…ahhh, yes…the cocktails.

Author Janet Frongillo has taken the underbelly – or perhaps the muffintop, as she might say – of motherhood, and made a party of it in this book.

When your girlfriends are ~~roasting~~ toasting you and your expanding waistline at your baby shower? Follow Janet’s recipe to the letter for a fabulous, non-alcoholic Fertile Myrtle Mimosa.

Once you’ve given birth and are enjoying your little bundle of joy, plus the pesky thirty pounds of extra baggage that you just can’t seem to shake, no matter how hard you Zumba? Throw the towel in for a night and treat yourself to a Muffintop Mommy Mudslide.

When you’re in the throes of teaching your Cherub how to use the facilities, and you’re going through size 3 Disney Princess underwear faster than John Mayer goes through Hollywood starlets? Call it a day with a Cosmopotty.

Janet also gives the inspiration and recipes for gems like:

*The Houdini Hurricane

*The No!Jito

*The Mother Clucker Coffee

*The Son of a Beach

*The Separation Sour

This book has more than fifty seriously delicious recipes for calamity-inspired cocktails, plus real-life anecdotes to go with them that will have you alternately nodding your head in sympathy and laughing out loud like a loon. Trust me. Janet knows funny. And she brings it with Mommy Mixology.

I’ll bet you know a mom-to-be who would get a kick out of this book. Or heck, maybe you’d like it for yourself to beef up your barmaid’s repertoire. So give it a shot…pun totally intended…and enter to win your own copy of Mommy Mixology. Here’s how:

Each comment you leave on this post, from now until Thursday, August 23rd, will be considered an entry. The winner will be chosen by random electronic drawing and announced in a post on that date. Multiple entries (up to five) per person are encouraged. To enter, do one or more of the following. Verify each action with a separate comment here.

1. Follow my blog and leave a comment telling me which cocktail I’ve mentioned appeals the most to you.

2. ”Like” The Spin Cycle on Facebook.

3. ”Like” Janet aka “Muffintop Mommy” on Facebook.

4. Follow The Spin Cycle on Twitter and tweet this giveaway.

5. Repin the Mommy Mixology image above on Pinterest. You can click on the picture itself or click here to get started.

Good luck, friends!

Disclosure Statement:

I was provided with a copy of Mommy Mixology in order to complete this post. All opinions are my own. Only United States residents are eligible for entry.

22 Folders and Gabbers

Nacho Average Cheesecake

By Sue · 36 Folders and Gabbers · August 9th, 2012

“Mom.” Twin A materialized before me last week brandishing a kids’ cookbook that she had checked out of the local library. ”Can we make this? Please?”

I regarded the earmarked page in the cookbook, and my mind immediately fixated on an old episode of Friends.

The one where Rachel tries her hand in the kitchen with a recipe for a traditional English trifle

Only the pages in the recipe book stick together

And instead of making a trifle

She makes half a trifle and half a shepherd’s pie.

And then she makes her friends all try it. With a bit of coaching from Joey, the aspiring actor, they manage to look like this whilst consuming mouthfuls of ground beef, onions, custard and whipped cream.

Mmmmmm! It’s so good, I’m going go enjoy this out on the balcony!

The only exception is the thespian himself, Joey, who shovels the stuff in by the spoonful, muttering with a full mouth,

“What’s not to like?

Custard? Good.

Jam? Good.

Meat? GOOOOOOD.”

Anyway. I was having vivid recollections of that show while surveying the recipe that my daughter was so keen on preparing. It was a cornucopia of all the things that would appeal to an eleven year-old’s palate. And, truth be told, it did include five of my all-time favorite candies.

What? I can’t help it if I favor all things, chewy, gummy, and sugary sweet.

So, with my ~~stupidity~~ blessing, we got cooking.

Cheesecake with a bit of food coloring? Good.

Sour cream whipped with sugar? Good.

Sugared pie crust “tortilla chips?” Mmmm. Mmm. Gooood.

And when you take all of this goodness,

And top it with Raisenette “beans,”

Gummy Lifesaver “black olives,”

Sour apple licorice “peppers,”

And “salsa” made with jelly-coated Swedish fish,

You do know what you get, right?

Nacho Average Cheesecake.

We happened to have cousins visiting from out of town, so Twin A served it up to a crowd aged 8 to 14. It was a hit with this demographic.

And yes. That *is* the most fabulous cake server ever.

Me? What did I think of it?

Well. Let’s just say that I rubbed my belly, smiled…

And enjoyed mine out on the back deck.

Recipe courtesy of…

Inspired by a prompt from

“Do you have a sweet tooth? List your top five favorite candies!”

36 Folders and Gabbers

Ryan Lochte, Janet Leigh, and Jack-O-Lanterns

By Sue · 26 Folders and Gabbers · August 2nd, 2012

It was one of those delectably lazy summer evenings. After a day spent at the neighborhood pool, topped off with a round of burgers and onion rings from the cabana, my family had biked home and meandered off on our separate ways.

My groom and the boys were shooting hoops in the driveway, playing Horse and Knockout and Hey Quit It It’s My Turn Now.

And my daughter and I were stretched out on the family room couch, silently ~~ogling Ryan Lochte~~ taking in the men’s Olympic Swimming Competition.

Seriously.

source

As we ~~foamed at the mouth~~ watched, I reflected on what a thoroughly enjoyable summer we had enjoyed so far. I asked Twin A aloud what her favorite part had been to date.

“Right now.” She responded dreamily, without missing a beat or turning her eyes away from the television.

I smiled to myself, touched that she counted this evening of ~~teeny tiny Speedos~~ easy mother-daughter time to be the highlight of her eleventh summer.

“Awwww…thanks, darlin’,” I cooed, basking in the complement. I placed my hand, palm upward, next to hers, anticipating her slim fingers intertwining with mine.

Instead, I felt the cool, smooth, lightweight pressure of glossy paper.

A quick sideways glance unraveled the mystery: In my hand laid a Pottery Barn Teen Catalog.

The Back-to-School Edition.

Seriously??????

source

The Norman Rockwell moment shattered, I stared, horrified, at the catalog. It was still July, for the love of peace. When had this bit of autumn sensationalism found its way into our mailbox? For me, the first appearances of back-to-school catalogs in the mail and commercials on the television always induce a sense of panic. Though my rational side tells me that we still have almost a month together until I must send The Small One back to elementary school and The Twins off to middle school (gah!), my heart, without fail, begins to race.

Don’t get me wrong. I’ll be ready to boot The Cherubs out the door when the time comes. But I’m not usually in that frame of mind until mid-August.

Damn preppy catalogs. Why must they always rush things?

With these thoughts swirling through my mind, Twin A spoke again.

“I just love this part of summer,” she sighed. ”It’s Cozy-Q-Jack-O-Lantern Time.”

Uhhhh…come again?

Cozy-Q-Jack-O-Lantern Time?

I asked my daughter to elaborate.

“Oh…you know…The part of summer when I get to start thinking about the Labor Day parade, and back to school shopping, and what I want to be for Halloween. It makes me feel all warm and cozy inside. Like I just can’t wait until I can wear a jacket!”

Umm. Alrightythen.

Isn’t it the job of all children to want to squeeze every last drop of summer out of the final month of vacation? To dig in their heels and bemoan the fact that the pool will be closing in a matter of weeks?

Certainly not to embrace the advent of school with wide-eyed glee and weird seasonal nicknames. In July.

But then again, I suppose my Twin A has never been one to follow conventional wisdom.

How about you and yours? Are you anticipating fall with a Cozy-Q-Jack-O-Lantern attitude or with a Janet-Leigh-in-the-Shower one?

Inspired by a prompt from Mama Kat’s Writers’ Workshop: ”Ask your child what their favorite part of summer has been and then blog about it.”

26 Folders and Gabbers

Summer Radio Anthems – The Top 10 Played-Out Selections

By Sue · 38 Folders and Gabbers · July 26th, 2012

There comes a time during each and every summer where I reach a breaking point.

It is inevitable. I mean, I can only handle so much in one season.

No, I’m not talking about one too many trips to the pool

Or unfair carpool shifts

Or bickering

Or tattling

Or even the oppressive Chicagoland heat that has browned my lawn to a third-degree crisp.

No.

I’m talking about Played Out Summer Radio Anthems, my friends. It happens every single year. One song or another gets such an inordinate amount of airtime that it goes beyond general ear-worminess.

It incites an insuppressible rage within me.

In 1988 it was Richard Marx with Endless Summer Nights. *groan*

In 2010, Katy Perry did it with California Gurls. *primal scream*

And this summer?

It is not just one song.

Oh, no.

It is a plethora of them.

Normally, The Cherubs and I do not see eye-to-eye on the topic of music. But this summer’s airwave assault of Played Out Anthems has been so immense…so intense…that just the opening strains of one of these little ditties is enough to have us all at one anothers’ throats in matter of milliseconds.

Think I’m kidding?

We challenge you to listen to any one of these Top Ten Played-Out Summer Anthems of 2012 without clawing at your eyeballs or pulling your hair out at the roots.

10. Carly Rae Jepsen – “Call Me Maybe.” From Twin B: “I get a headache trying to decide what’s spunkier, her song or her name.”

9. The Wanted – “Glad You Came.” From The Small One: “Wait. Is that an ACCORDION I hear?”

8. Justin Bieber – “Boyfriend.” From Twin A: “Even *I* don’t want The Biebster to be my boyfriend. (Sheepishly) “Umm, anymore.”

7. FUN, “We Are Young.” From Twin A: ”I used to want to set the world on fire…but FUN took all the fun out of it with that one song.”

6. Nicki Minaj, “Starships.” From Twin B: “You know what this song reminds me of? Alvin & The Chipmunks…Only faster.”

5. One Direction, “What Makes You Beautiful.” From The Small One: “Hey, Mom! Where do all the guys with the worst hair go?” (pause) “In ONE DIRECTION! Haha! Get it?”

4. Anything by LMFAO

3. Anything by Katy Perry

2. Anything in which Flo Rida makes an appearance

1. The Oompa Loompas- “Somebody that I Used to Know.” – My children refuse to recognize Gotye as a band and give full credit for this xylophone-dominated song to Willy Wonka’s plucky band of minions.

Did we miss any, friends? What Played Out Summer Anthems of 2012 drive you to drink?

Inspired by a prompt from Mama Kat’s Writers’ Workshop: ”List 10 things that make you angry.”

38 Folders and Gabbers

Old-Fashioned Summer: By the Book(s)

By Sue · 14 Folders and Gabbers · July 19th, 2012

This is a re-running of a guest post I wrote for Literal Mom.

Summer.

Summaaahhhhh.

What a fabulous invention. I salute its creator. Yaaaay, God! *split jump; spirit fingers*

Swimming. Bike rides. Camp. Lemonade stands. Time with friends.

And books. Gobs and gobs of books.

Ever since I was a kid, I have found something delicious about becoming totally immersed in a story. Of losing all sense of time and my childhood surroundings as I intently turned pages, savoring the illustrations, reading favorite snippets aloud on occasion, playing with pronunciation and inflection. Of being somewhere else entirely while perched upon the family room couch.

The Twins, at age eleven, are this way as well.

But The Small One?

Meh. Not so much.

And, though I know it shouldn’t…though I take care not to let it be known to him…it irks me to no end.

He is a voracious and strong reader. But he has serious tunnel vision when it comes to book selection. He is a non-fiction boy to the core. If it contains instructions, diagrams, and an index for handy, at-your-fingertips reference? If he can consult it to become a better Lego builder, more knowledgable Star Wars enthusiast, or more proficient Pokemon trainer? He’s all over it. Seize book. Extract information on a need-to-know basis. Discard book.

My Need-to-Know Reader in action.

But fiction?

No way.

No how.

Fiction-schmiction, Mom.

And to this former teacher, that is a dreadful injustice that rivals mediocre instructors’ pay and gag-worthy school lunches.

I guess I’m just a bit old-fashioned that way.

I so want The Small One to appreciate a good story.

I can’t just tell him to do it. Or plop him down next to me, saying, “Today? I choose this book to share with you.”

Ooooh, no.

Trail-blazing, strong-willed thing that he is, he’d run for the hills at the thought of taking Mom’s advice or following in the footsteps of The Twins.

So this summer, I’ve been on a covert mission to introduce The Small One to the wonderful world of make-believe. *Cue Mr. Rogers Theme Song*

One afternoon just before school let out for the year, I attacked the bookcase in his bedroom, pulling titles off of the shelves and throwing them into a basket. Books that have been there for years but were gathering a layer of dust as they sat, forlorn and neglected, as he favored his manuals and how-to books.

Caldecott finalists. Newberry winners. Picture books. Chapter books. Selections of varying length, difficulty, and thematic matter. Pieces of my childhood and teacherhood in print. Yellowing, earmarked pages, chunks missing from the front covers, warts and all. There was no rhyme or reason to what I picked. If I liked it? If it tugged at my heartstrings for one reason or another? Into the basket it went.

I put the collection underneath the green side table that sits in our kitchen. A spot that is at once unobtrusive and easy to access.

I stealthily affixed the telescopic lens to my camera.

And I waited.

And waited.

About a week later, giddy with the newness of summer vacation, The Small One literally ran into the ~~bait~~ basket whilst doing post-breakfast laps around the kitchen table. He yelped and stopped in his tracks, sizing up the unfamiliar barricade that protruded from underneath the table.

The child plunked himself down, cross-legged, right where he had stopped to have a closer look-see.

Around the corner, I held my breath, camera trained upon my ~~prey~~ son.

After rooting around a bit, he made a selection.

Where the Wild Things Are. Be still, my fantasy-loving, rapidly beating heart.

And since that day? He has returned to that basket. On his terms. When the mood strikes him.

Sometimes we read together. We have been working our way through Matilda…

…although sometimes he’ll pick it up and zip through a chapter or two on his own.

He is way into telekinesis now, by the by.

He has acquainted himself with Encyclopedia Brown. Turns out that mystery-solving comes as second nature to inquisitive creatures such as The Small One.

And just look at what I found in the mud room, poking out of the front pocket of his swim team backpack.

Mmm hmmmm. The legendary Mr. Little himself. *insert itty bitty happy dance*

Mission accomplished.

How and what are you reading with your kids this summer?

**The ThinkFun Distraction Giveaway winner from last week never responded to my email, so I’ve randomly selected a new winner:

1) Mark: mh————-

Congratulations, Mark! I’ve emailed you…kindly respond so that ThinkFun can send you your game.

14 Folders and Gabbers

My Pinterest Party Experience

By Sue · 37 Folders and Gabbers · July 12th, 2012

First: A bit of business…Congratulations to:

Barbara: bkreinar@yahoo.com

You are the winner of last week’s ThinkFun Distraction giveaway! I’ve emailed you to obtain shipping address information. I hope your family enjoys Distraction as much as my family has!

And now…Back to our regularly scheduled post:

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

The invitation arrived via text message from my girlfriend M on a Wednesday as I was sitting in front of the television, laptop in front of me, wine within arm’s reach, perusing Pinterest:

Giddyap.

I immediately stopped pinning new items of interest like some kind of deranged online hoarder. Instead, I began to comb through my existing boards with a skeptic’s eye, trying to decide upon juuuuuust the right food & drink to bring. I wanted to bring my “A” game to this shin-dig.

Not that it was to be a competition or anything.

Because it wasn’t.

Just a fun evening in with friends.

But you must understand: This is my *younger* group of friends. I dip my toes into several social “pools,” if you will.

And with this particular group?

I am the *older* mom with the *older* children. *Insert gratuitous air quotes*

Many of these women turn to me if they need a word of advice from someone who has learned ~~not to give a shizzle~~ how to roll with the proverbial punches of parenthood.

Or if they wish to hire one of The Twins as a babysitter.

These women read books on parenting, dress their children like little models, and arrive on time.

All the time.

Yeah. They’re those moms.

My girlfriend M? The one hosting the shin-dig? In addition to raising three small children? Is an interior designer, for Heaven’s sake. Check her out on Pinterest.

The whole creativity gene that escaped me courses through her veins along with her innate kindness and generosity.

I’d hate her if I didn’t love her so.

Anyway.

As my contributions to the Pinterest Party, I finally settled upon this

Watermelon-Feta Bites. Kindly ignore the renegade seeds. I am not a food stylist.

And this.

Frozen Green Grapes in Chardonnay

I’m so glad I did. Because when Saturday rolled around and I entered M’s house with my goodies in tow? This is what I ~~stuffed my gob with~~ was privileged to view and sample:

Honey Greek Yogurt Covered Frozen Blueberries

Baked Brie Bites

Tequila-Soaked Watermelon “Margaritas”

Caramel Chocolate Apple “Nachos”

Vanilla Vodka Root Beer Floats

Chocolate Caramel Potato Chips

This overachiever left nothing to the imagination

Chocolate Covered Strawberry Godiva Shots

And then? It was on to the crafty part of the evening. We made Vanilla-Brown Sugar Body Scrub.

In her trademark style, M had the project planned down to the last detail.

Many hands made light work…

And we were all soon filling mason jars with the Heavenly smelling stuff. Uber-smooth skin, anyone?

Yeah. It was that kind of a party. This old dog learned a few new tricks that night.

I just love hanging out with overachievers, don’t you?

Tell me…do you try many of the things you pin on Pinterest? Have you attended a Pinterest Party? Or is Pinterest more of virtual hoarding spot for you?

*FYI: All of the recipes and projects in this post can be found on my Tried It board. Enjoy!

Inspired by a prompt from Mama Kat’s Writers’ Workshop: ”Time to get crafty! Share something you’ve been working on.”

37 Folders and Gabbers

Thinkfun’s “Distraction” – Review and Giveaway

By Sue · 20 Folders and Gabbers · July 5th, 2012

Distraction.

Throw the word into a conversation, and it’s not typically regarded in a positive light.

Like when you send your youngest son upstairs to get dressed and clean his room

And half an hour later, you check on the child and find him lounging on his unmade bed in his skivvies, reading a book, with forty thousand Legos scattered about him.

Not that this has ever happened around the tight ship that I run.

But throw Distraction into a card game?

And you’ve got yourself a recipe for a fun night in.

I was thrilled when my friends at ThinkFun asked my family to review Distraction, their newest game, and share it with my readers. Play your…ummm…cards right, and you can win your very own Distraction game.

Playing in pajamas is encouraged. Chardonnay and Nice Cheese Balls not included.

Intrigued?

Here’s how the game works:

Deal the circular Number Cards out to all players and lay the Distraction cards in the middle of the table.

Take turns laying Number Cards down, creating an increasingly longer number sequence that each player must correctly recite from memory.

When a player lays down an orange “Draw a Distraction Card,” that player draws a card from the Distraction Deck and answers the question on the Distraction Card before reciting the number sequence.

If the player who drew the card is so distracted by the question that they then recite the number sequence incorrectly? They have to take all the number cards from the middle of the table. The first player to get rid of all of their cards wins!

This game? Is hilarious. And that’s not just the Nice Cheese Balls and Chardonnay talking. My family and I loved it, and I plan to bring Distraction out the next time we host a grown-ups’ night in.

Random laps around the foyer are suggested to keep energy levels high.

As are impromptu wrestling matches

And intermittent poker matches with the family dog…

…Who will probably turn you down. But it’s still nice to ask.

What was I talking about again?

Ah, yes.

Distraction. It’s not just for…Ooooooh, look! I see something shiny!

Ahem. What’s that you say?

You’d like a little Distraction for yourself?

Of course you do. Here’s how to enter my Distraction giveaway:

Each comment you leave on this post, from now until Thursday, July 12th, will be considered an entry. The winner will be chosen by random electronic drawing and announced in a post on that date. Multiple entries (up to five) per person are encouraged. To enter, do one or more of the following. Verify each action with a separate comment here.

1. Follow my blog and leave a comment telling me what appeals to you about Distraction.

2. ”Like” The Spin Cycle on Facebook.

3. ”Like” ThinkFun on Facebook.

4. Follow ThinkFun on Twitter.

5. Follow me on Twitter and tweet this giveaway.

Good luck, friends!

Disclosure Statement:

I was provided with a Distraction game in order to complete this post. All opinions are my own. Only United States residents are eligible for entry.

20 Folders and Gabbers

On Parenthood and Grime Blinders

By Sue · 14 Folders and Gabbers · June 28th, 2012

This is a re-running of a guest post I wrote for Studio 30+ yesterday.

Deal.

I am of the belief that all women are granted an invisible pair of blinders upon the birth of a child. I’ve surmised that these blinders are affixed to the mother’s head by a delivery room angel, and they forever change the perspective of even the neatest of neat freaks by making the messes that their offspring create virtually nonexistent. The size of the blinders is directly proportional to the number of years the woman has been a mother as well as to the number of children running amok in her home.

Let me be clear. These blinders are not an impediment. They are a blessing. They make living amidst childhood grime more or less tolerable.

Diapers? Fingerprints? Spilled milk? Meh. All in a day’s work. Merely a backdrop for the setting of life with kids.

It’s a well-documented fact, friends.

Now. It is also widely known that the effects of these blinders can be instantaneously negated by the anticipation of houseguests.

Fellow parents do not count. They have been fitted with Grime Blinders as well and are as impervious to your grime as they are to their own.

I’m talking child-free friends. *cue ominous organ music*

The type of well-meaning friends that don’t mean to judge. They just do. I used to do it myself, until the birth of The Twins eleven years ago. I’d walk into the homes of my friends with small children, size up the dishevelment, and smugly think, “What on earth happened to these people? They used to keep such a clean home. When I have kids? This is so not happening.”

And yet it did. By way of example, I cite last Wednesday. My Hip Single Friend from the City called to inform me that she would be visiting her parents out in my neck of suburbia, and that she would love to pop in before returning to The City. Being the gracious, go-with-the-flow kind of gal that I am, I responded that I would love nothing more than a pop-in from my dear friend.

As I hung up the telephone, I suddenly felt the Grime Blinders being lifted from my face.

And in their absence? I was acutely aware of my big old stinking mess of a house that, just moments before, had gone undetected.

I glanced around the kitchen and took note of the Lucky Charms marbits squashed to a powdery pulp beneath the barstools along my kitchen island.

I winced at the dog snot on the windows and doors.

My gaze followed the length of the hallway and settled upon a doorframe in the mud room. Child-sized footprints dotted the moulding, commemorating Twin B’s dabbling in ninja feats of agility.

While I did not actually witness the dabbling in real time…

…the boy left his Flip Camera lying on the kitchen counter, cued up to the evidence.

But I digress. It was of no consequence to me who had committed the crimes against cleanliness. All that mattered is that there was mess. And I had Company coming.

Child-Free Company. *again with the organ music*

What’s a homeowner to do?

I’ll tell you what I do.

I prioritize, friends. There is only so much that can be accomplished on short notice. I determine the greatest area of need and act. Quickly. And the Mess Makers help me.

I have Twin A and the Small One execute the Swoop and Dump Maneuver, leaving piles of clutter in the seldom-used guest bedroom before locking the door and refusing all entry for the evening.

I enlist the help of my geriatric Weimaraner in removing the crumbs under the kitchen table. Her sight may be failing as well as her bladder control, but she can still smell a stray Lucky Charms marbit from three rooms away.

I spray Twin B with Endust and have him tear through the house with his ninja-like speed, karate-chopping cobwebs at every turn.

I do what I can and pray that the judgement will not be too harsh.

And I smile to myself, comforted by the knowledge that one day, God willing, my Hip Single Friend from the City will be blessed with children and fitted with her very own pair of Grime Blinders.

14 Folders and Gabbers